Funeral preparations

MONDAY MAY 26
I left to fly home early Monday morning.  I don't really like flying, I was already emotionally fragile so I was especially nervous.  I also felt like I had to hold myself together so much over the previous couple days, it was a relief to be alone too so I could cry without my children being concerned.

I landed at the airport to two friends trying to pick me up.  The one that didn't pick me up, had left me some food on my porch that I got when I arrived home.  I didn't feel like eating, but I took it with me.  I immediately got in my car to drive over to meet dad.  He'd just finished going over things at the funeral home and was being accompanied by his good Bishop, Ron Haas.  They were having lunch at Chilis, I joined them.

After lunch, dad and I drove to the cemetery where we met Wanda.   A small tender mercy was that over the last year my mom had been pressuring my dad to pick out plots.  It wasn't something he really wanted to think about so he pushed it off.  But at one point they did drive around and look at some local cemeteries.  There is a small privately owned cemetery in Melissa right across from the church.  In this cemetery there is a section that is filled with plots and gravestones, but then off to one side there isn't much there yet.  There is a fence and it backs up to some beautiful trees.  At one point mom and dad drove through there, mom saw the trees and just mentioned that she'd like to be buried over there, and pointed.

When we met Wanda we asked about the plots over close to these trees near the fence, they were completely available!  Dad and I walked around in that area arm in arm.  Dad said out loud, "OK Deon, tell us where you want to be." We both felt a warm confirmation of the very plot where she wanted to be laid to rest.  It was so sweet.  We cried.  THEN came the fun part of figuring out where exactly the plot lines ran.  There were metal spikes nailed into the grass with heads painted red marking the end of one plot and the beginning of the next.  As this is not the most maintained area of the cemetery we all ended up on our hands and knees looking for the red stake.  We knew about where it should be but couldn't find it.  Once again, Dad pleaded out loud to mom to help us and we did.  Dad even knew which side Mom was to be buried on, the same way they'd slept for 37 years of marriage.  She was to be laid to rest on my dad's right.  She was always RIGHT. =)

That afternoon we ended up at my parent's good friends' the Dowds.  Dad had been staying with them.  We visited and cried.  We were cranking out funeral preparations and worked to settle some things pertaining to the program for the funeral that we owed to Bishop Haas.

Dad decided to stay with me for a few days.  He didn't want to be alone yet in the house.  I couldn't blame him.  He left from the Dowds to go get some clothes and things and then come to my house.  I went on home alone.

I passed the intersection where mom had been killed.  It's the entrance to my neighborhood.  That was hard to drive past it.

When I arrived home I was greeted by the most beautiful gesture of some wonderful neighbors.  About 30 pinwheels decorated my lawn.  I'd arrived home before they'd anticipated, they thought it would cheer up my kids.  I loved the way the wind blew them and for WEEKS they remained in my yard.  When I was low, I would go outside and it seemed a breeze would blow to make them spin and I would think it was sent from Mom to let me know she was there and mindful of all that we were doing and feeling.  It was PERFECT and made me smile.

I remember that my neighbor across the street, Mark Glaser, was one of the first to welcome me home.  He gave me a hug and I just cried.  Poor guy didn't know what to do or say.  I have such kind neighbors.


TUESDAY MAY 27
Dad spent the night with me.  The next morning we hashed out the Eulogy from the point of mom's life when she married Dad.  Mom's sister Ann was taking care of her life before she married Dad and she needed us to prepare a life sketch of her life after she married Dad.  This took some time.  I enjoyed hearing stories I'd never heard before.

Dad and I went to the temple to do a session.  We were making lots of phone calls and stuff, it was nice to take a break.  I remember how much I cried in the temple that day, but I went seeking peace and I found it.

We also needed to buy mom garments.  Luckily a friend, Lori Berrett was working in the shop there.  The funniest thing happened.  We knew that mom liked the newer spandex type of garments and so we'd decided to go just one size up for her.  Lori was happy to get them for us.  When she went to ring them up the scanner wouldn't scan.  We tried a couple times and it would seem to work until we went to scan the garment packages.  Finally Lori got her supervisor.  Lori explained to her who we were and what we were buying garments for.  She glanced down and saw we were buying the spandex ones, her eyes got big and she informed us that those were really hard to get on bodies being prepared for burial.  Lori, Dad and I pictured mom there with us making the scanner not work right, desperately trying to send us a message that we're buying the wrong ones.  The ones we got instead scanned just fine, of course.

WEDNESDAY MAY 28
At some point in here my house got cleaned by an army of women from my ward.  I couldn't do it but I was about to host an army of people so I was so grateful.

Stephen and my kids arrived home today, Ben and his family arrived too. 

Initially Ben was just going to come by himself.  The American Red Cross would pay for his flight.  But then the next day they called to say their whole family would come, this is what "emergency" savings were for.  I'm sure mom was happy.

Dad, Pearl, Ben and I went to the funeral home to pick out the flowers.  What proved to be a pattern with deciding everything pertaining to her funeral arrangements was that we ALL AGREED on everything.  Making these decisions was really easy. What a blessing!  We picked white roses, bluebonnets with yellow roses to accent.

We got a call that mom's personal effects were ready to be picked up at the Allen Police Department.  So we went.  We met with the lead detectives and officers who were working on the case.  Mom's car was evidence in a crime so it would not be released to us and it would even wait to be looked at by an insurance adjuster. 

We learned a bit more about the man who had killed mom.  Sadly he's a repeat offender, old enough to know better, and was driving with a suspended license and likely was under the influence of drugs (that were untraceable in a toxic screen analysis of his blood.  The police knew this man from his priors.  They were upset because he shouldn't have been allowed to be on the road.  The system had failed us.

Then the traffic cop who was likely the first on the scene came in to meet us.  I knew him!  Officer Tom Mulkey was the motorcycle cop who often policed the corner my children and I crossed on our walk to and from school.  He knew us too and recognized us.  When he realized who we were and who's grandma he'd been helping he was upset, trying to hide it, but upset.  Angry, and fought back tears.  We asked him about mom when he came upon the accident.  He told us they'd worked for almost half an hour to revive her but when he found her she was unconscious and in his opinion she was dead on impact.  But that they tried as hard as they could to bring her back.

Her cell phone had blood on it, her purse smelled like formaldehyde.  Pearl started getting really upset.  We decided to leave.


THURSDAY MAY 29
My children returned to school today.  I think Sam stayed home.  Grant would be arriving and he wanted to be with him.  I didn't want to be that spectacle walking my kids to school but they really wanted me to go with them.  Stephen went with us, his arm around me the whole time.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, get a hug from anyone, etc.  It would just make me fall apart.  There was even a random police officer at the corner (not our Mulkey) and I saw the crossing guard say something to him and the officer give me a pity filled look.  I knew what she'd told him.  Mom's accident was BIG NEWS in my town, we don't have fatal accidents often.

Aaron and his family had arrived.  We went to the funeral home to choose mom's casket.  Again, it was an easy decision.  Dad had already eyed the one he thought was best and we agreed.  A beautiful oak casket, the same color as most of the furniture in our home growing up.

Bruce at the funeral home was wonderful.  He took a moment to talk to us about mom's body.  What we'd been told by those at the scene was that she looked fine, just a scratch above one of her eyes.  Bruce gently told us that that was not actually the case.  There had been significant damage to her face which they'd done their best to build up and restore.


FRIDAY MAY 30
Two main things happened on Friday.

Mom's sisters, her friend Rennie and I prepared her body for burial.  It's something we do in our faith.  I'd been told that this is a wonderful, spiritual experience.  It is believed that the spirit of the deceased is close by and can be felt sometimes.  I was looking forward to it but after what Bruce had told me, I was nervous.  But I was grateful he'd warned me.

We went in to see her and she was broken.  Both her legs, both her arms, one leg in two places, her shoulder.  They'd been wrapped to keep from swelling but they were bruised and discolored.  And I was angry.  I burst into tears and hugged Rennie.  I said, "I am so angry and I don't want to feel angry right now."  What we were about to do was sacred and important and couldn't be done with anger in our hearts.  I said a prayer and felt peaceful.

We were able to dress her and she looked so much better after.  I'm glad mom helped us with her garments.  I'm glad Rennie was there too, she's strong and the rest of us weren't.

They put her in the casket and the sisters and I were able to Skype in with Vonda (mom's sister who couldn't make it) and had a moment. 

A couple hours later Dad along with Aaron, Ben, Pearl and I went for a private family viewing.  Mostly done for Pearl so that she could have her breakdown in a more private way instead of at the more public viewing the next day.  Bruce greeted us and commented what a brave thing it was I'd done by dressing her.

It was hard.  All of it was hard.  The images of this come back to me from time to time.  I'm grateful she didn't suffer.

That evening was a family dinner, catered for free by a kind man in my neighborhood and hosted at some friends in my parents ward.

Family and some close friends gathered to eat and then share favorite memories of mom.  A CD of photos of her had been compiled and was playing.  It was a lovely evening.